


Sychronization of Your Dreams

by poramarte



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:47:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24649705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poramarte/pseuds/poramarte
Summary: It didn't matter if they had feelings for eachother, they couldnt be together, not here, not now, not in the spotlight of fame. Not in a country that would never accept them for who they were, not in a company that cared more about the money they brought in, then them as people.It didn't matter if Jaehyun did or didn’t like him back.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 123





	Sychronization of Your Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hello guys!
> 
> I am back with more of a rare pairing, then the ones I've previously picked lol. I'm actually quite surprised its not a more popular ship. This all started from a particular scene happening in the background of a behind the scenes dance practice, if you don't know what I'm talking about, its mentioned in the story. 
> 
> It took me like almost two months to write this because I have commitment issues, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> EDIT 9/7/2020: I decided to reread this the other day and I noticed some parts did need alot more work and instead of giving into my sudden urge to delete this I decided to edit this as fast I could. Nothing has changed plot-wise, but some scenes are more heavily edited then others. I did add 2000+ words so that gives you an idea if you have already read this. I might come back to edit again because I didn't really have time to re-read the new fully edited version. Also kudos to you if you can tell the meaning behind the fic title (which hasn't changed, just for reference) besides the potentially obvious reason.

“I think we should change roommates,” Jaehyun said, breaking the silence of the room.

He had been scrolling through his phone and he came to halt at Jaehyun’s words. He hadn’t really been paying Jaehyun any mind, but when he looked up, he noticed Jaehyun was sitting on the edge of his own bed facing him. He too sat up slightly and angled his body towards Jaehyun, just enough so he wouldn’t have to strain to look at the older.

“Why?” He replied, his voice hoarse from not speaking for a while and he tried not to let his heart sink at the way Jaehyun was looking at him. 

Ever since they had been told they would be switching dorms, it was all the group had been talking about. They would discuss who was going to live where and if they wanted to switch roommates. He and Mark had thought about rooming together again but eventually decided against it, they clashed alot and although they loved each other, there was only so much they could stand of each other before they were at the others necks.

“When we move dorms, I mean. We’ve been roommates ever since you and Mark had that fight. Wouldn’t it be fun to switch things up?” Jaehyun offered. He knew he could tell Jaehyun he prefered to room with him, he preferred to live with him, that he preferred Jaehyun in general. He knew he could rope Jaehyun back into living with him for an indefinite amount of time, but he wasn’t sure that was what Jaehyun wanted and Jaehyun was too nice to directly tell him that he wanted to have a different roommate.

“Why though? I thought we worked together as roommates,” he replied, although he already knew the answer, all the members had talked about changing roommates, there was no difference now. Jaehyun had obviously given it some thought and he admittingly had as well, and although it shouldn’t matter, at heart he was still a kid, he had insecurities and even though he knew the members had all discussed changing things around, he didn’t like to think that Jaehyun wanted to change rooms because the older harbored ill feelings for him.

“We do,” Jaehyun said with sincerity that was enough to calm his mind for now. “I don’t want you to think I want to distance myself from you, that's the last thing I want. You know I love you, right?”

It made his heart flutter in a way he knew it shouldn’t, in a way that gave his heart hope when his brain knew there wasn’t any. Jaehyun didn’t like him, he knew that for a fact. The older members didn’t look at him as anything, but a child and Jaehyun wasn’t any different. Maybe it’d be different if the company hadn’t made him and the rest of Dream out to be the epitome of cuteness when they debuted, he knew they looked at him and saw the same 16 year old who performed chewing gum on a hoverboard.

“Then why?” he asked Jaehyun.

“We’re already close, wouldn’t it be nice to be as close with other members?” Jaehyun suggested.

“Yeah, you have a point,” he replied, but he couldn’t help but think that there wasn’t any other member he would want to be as close with.

\---

“I heard you were going to be at the concert in Saitama,” Mark said over the phone, he replied with a hum. “Is your leg even healed?”

“I’m fine,” he said, sassy on the tip of his tongue. He has been asked about his leg so many times that he feels like it is the only conversation he ever had. He had called in hopes of hearing about what had been happening in the group, yet here he was being asked the same thing again. It didn’t help that every time he talked on the phone with Mark, the older would without a fail, ask.

“I don’t think you should come back so soon. Don’t get me wrong, I miss you, more than anything, but I also don’t want you to come back before you’re ready,” Mark cautioned him. He understood the concern, but he knew that Mark would also feel himself going mad if he had to sit at home for months instead of performing with 127 and Dream at the end of the year festivals and now on the world tour. 

“It… hurts, at times. I’m not gonna lie, but the doctor said it was okay, as long as I don’t do too much,” he said, choosing his words carefully. His doctor hadn’t exactly said that, but it was close enough that he didn’t feel bad about stretching the truth to assure Mark.

“Promise me you wont,” Mark said, voice almost pleading. He rolled his eyes even though Mark couldn’t see him. He’d like to think he and Mark knew each other well enough that Mark knew he rolled his eyes whenever Mark got sappy, which these days was pretty often.

“I won’t,” he let out a sigh. Silence spread between them and white noise filtered through the phone and if he listened close enough he could hear the yelling of members in the background, it was so mundane that it hurt, he really missed them.

“Jaehyun misses you,” Mark said abruptly. He felt his heart stop for a second before laughing, albeit a bit forced, he was sure Mark noticed. “He says you don’t answer his calls. I thought you said you were going to get over it.”

“He’s… happy and I’m happy for him, but it's hard knowing he likes someone else,” he replied and he didn’t know how he was going to do it once he came to the dorms and they shared a room again. 

“You should still answer his calls, he misses you and it's not fair for you to ignore him, he didn’t do anything wrong.” Logically he knew that, but it didn’t matter if Jaehyun didn’t do anything wrong, his heart was hurt and he needed time to get over it. He hummed in response and they both knew what it meant.

\---

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Jaehyun said, a hand lightly placed on his tricep. If he hadn't felt like he was two second from passing out he would have felt self conscious of his lack of muscles.

Jaehyun pulled him aside after dance practice was over and he had had half a mind to shake Jaehyun’s hand off of him, he was still feeling lightheaded and talking to Jaehyun was the last thing he wanted to do. Jaehyun was confusing on a regular day and he was sure it’d be worse when his vision was so hazy he wasn’t even sure how he hadn’t fainted yet.

“Sure,” he said, nodding his head, the movement made his vision slightly darken for a second and he had to take a moment to close his eyes and regain his balance before looking at Jaehyun again.

“Do you like Doyoung?” Jaehyun asked, voice pitchy, like the idea scandalized him. And it should because it was a dumb question, something that he didn’t ever think he would hear anyone ask him and especially not Jaehyun.

“What?” He almost yelled but instead tried to keep his voice even. “Why would you even think that?”

“I- Some of the guys were just saying you guys were close today,” Jaehyun said scratching the back of his head. 

The statement was a lot to process, a lot of undertones he didn’t even want to think about and he had to rake his head to think of what Jaehyun was even talking about, before it clicked. Oh.

“Because I sat in his lap? I’ve done it before, I don't see why you’d think I like him,” he replied. He had in fact sat in most of the members lap, it was all platonic of course and none of the members thought of it as anything else.

“Yeah, but you didn’t feel good and you reached out to him instead of someone else.” _Instead of me_. They both knew what Jaehyun meant and it made him mad that Jaehyun would even have the audacity to question him.

“So? He takes care of me, of course I would want him to comfort me,” he responded, he tried to stay calm especially when he felt so weak, but his tone was anything but. He _really_ didn’t want to have this conversation right now. “Does it matter who I choose? If I had chosen Taeyong, would you think I like him?”

“No, he’s the leader, it would just mean you trust him,” Jaehyun replied.

“And I trust Doyoung, I don’t see why me sitting in his lap means anything. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t like every guy I talk to just because I’m _gay_ ,” he responded and Jaehyun recoiled at the mention of his sexually and if he hadn’t known any better he would have thought Jaehyun was repulsed by him, but he did know better and he knew Jaehyuns repulsion was directed at himself. 

“That’s not what I meant at all.” Jaehyun moved his arms wildly in what he could only guess was an attempt to defend himself.

“Then what did you mean?” he asked.

“I just… I’m looking out for you,” Jaehyun said in a voice that wasn’t quite a whisper. Jaehyun always ‘looked out’ for him, but they both knew that wasn’t what it was, at least not anymore, not with the way Jaehyun had looked at him many months ago in the veil of confidence being away from home, from certain expectation had brought them, not with the way Jaehyun still looked at him. 

Maybe in the beginning when Donghyuck was younger and more naive, Jaehyun was truly looking out for him. They all knew the things that happened behind the scenes of the idol world and maybe then Jaehyun was trying to protect him. But now? Jaehyun didn’t have to protect him, Jaehyun had already failed at sheltering him from a world of hurt, but Donghyuck didn’t blame him, it wasn’t Jaehyuns fault that he fell in love with the wrong person.

“Sorry hyung, but that excuse doesn’t cut it anymore,” he said walking away from Jaehyun. It wasn’t Jaehyun’s fault he was in love, but it was Jaehyun’s fault for entertaining the idea.

\---

He had always had feelings for Jaehyun, not always good ones though. 

When he first met Jaehyun, he met him as Mark's friend, it also happened to be the first time he met Mark. Donghyuck and Mark had gotten off on the wrong foot and Donghyuck therefore hated anybody that associated with Mark. It was a dumb idea considering Mark was well liked and everyone was friends with Mark so he quickly abandoned that plan when he realized. Jaehyun had laughed at his antics and for some reason that had pissed him off more.

He and Mark taught eachother alot, they learned how to tolerate each other for the sake of each other's dreams and they later taught each other how to be friends despite their differences. But one thing Mark could never teach him was not to catch feelings for the wrong person.

It was hard to dislike Jaehyun, even when he had made it his personal agenda to hate all things Mark related. Jaehyun was good looking even then, he had a deep voice and although they were all going to puberty, Jaehyun’s voice never cracked, Jaehyun’s skin was never bad and Jaehyun never lost his temper. He would try his hardest to upset the duo and while Mark would combust into flames whenever he would so much as breathe in his direction, Jaehyun would smile at him endearingly.

Jaehyun was infuriating because he was perfect and all the female trainee’s liked him because of it. He used to think he was jealous that all the female trainees liked Jaehyun and none paid him any attention, but he soon realized that wasn’t the case. 

One particular night, Jaehyun walked in on him practicing his singing by himself and instead of walking away or kicking him out of the practice room so the older could use it instead, Jaehyun sat down next to him and helped him work on his technique. Afterwards Jaehyun took him to a nearby restaurant and paid for his food.

“You should be nicer to Mark,” Jaehyun said as he watched him eat, Jaehyun had practically inhaled his food as soon as the waitress had brought it out and was now watching Donghyuck eat his own food and he couldn’t help but feel bad that he was a slow eater.

“Here I was, thinking you were being nice out of the kindness of your heart,” he said after he had swallowed his food. 

“I’m not bribing you into being nice to him, you don’t have to just because I bought you food,” Jaehyun said, looking over the menu again, he had a feeling Jaehyun was going to order something else and later on when the waitress came back around to ask them how they were doing his feeling was confirmed. “I just think you guys would be really good friends if you put aside your differences. Opposites attract and all that jazz.”

“Sure, you’d think so,” he replied, tone laced in sarcasm and Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun asked, puffing out his cheeks in confusion and the way Jaehyun dimples showed at the action made him feel uncharacteristically weak in the knees.

“You’re a nice guy, you think everyone could be friends if they set aside their differences, but he literally told me the other day he hates me,” he said, a knot forming in his throat that even Jaehyun's puffy cheeks couldn’t soothe. “I know you guys think I’m some kind of demon who doesn’t have feelings, but I do and Mark is as much of an asshole as I am.”

“I didn’t know he said that, I’ll tell him to apologize,” Jaehyun said sympathetically and he scoffed in return.

"Don't bother, I want him to apologize because he means it, not because you told him to," he avoided Jaehyuns gaze and Jaehyun placed his hand over his outstretched hand causing him to involuntarily look up.

"Look, Mark doesn't hate you, he just feels threatened. You're a talented kid and he sees you and thinks you'll take his place in the hierarchy of trainees or whatever crap he spews out on a regular basis. It also doesn't help that you're likable in an obnoxious way. He's still in the stage of being a trainee where he thinks everythings a competition and while it is, at least in a broad sense. It's easier to see it as a competition with yourself, you'll never feel like enough if you compare yourself to others," Jaehyun said, it made sense when Jaehyun spoke. “I won’t tell him to apologize, but I am going to talk to him, hate is a strong feeling and I don’t want him to feel that way towards anyone.”

“Okay,” it wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but it made him realize he had no reason to dislike Jaehyun, Jaehyun was a nice guy and he wouldn’t mind having Jaehyun as a friend.

\---

“I saw your teaser,” he told Jaehyun, “Congratulations, hyung.”

“Donghyuck…” Jaehyun said, voice soft, almost apologetic. Jaehyun didn’t look happy and it made him feel bad that he was even bringing it up, it was Jaehyun’s happy moment and he was ruining it. Jaehyun didn’t take his part in the 7th sense, nobody did really, someone couldn’t take something that wasn’t his to begin with, but it still sucked that he recorded the demo just to be told he wouldn’t be debuting yet and then they still used his voice in the teaser. “There will be more subunits and more comebacks, you’ll have your chance too.” 

“That's not what I meant hyung, I am happy for you,” he responded because he truly was, debuting was every trainees dream and although it wasn’t him this time, he was still happy for his friends.

“I’m sure you are, but I also know that you’re upset,” Jaehyun said and it made him feel bad because he _was_ upset. It had felt like a dream to finally debut, but he didn’t in the end. Jaehyun’s debut was coming up soon and was actually happening, meanwhile he had been in discussion for two other subunits and he couldn’t help, but think those wouldn’t actually happen either. “Let's go out to eat, just the two of us, my treat.”

“You should keep practicing, hyung,” he said and Jaehyun shook his head.

“No, I practiced all day, I would probably do the moves in my sleep,”Jaehyun assured him and it made him smile because it made him happy that Jaehyun was taking the debut seriously, not that any of them hadn’t or he had expected them not to, but couldn’t help but keep a watchful eye.

“You should teach the dance to me,” he said and Jaehyun looked at him with sympathy in his eyes.

“Once you debut I will,” Jaehyun responded and he nodded his head and kept his insecurities quiet, not wanting to ruin a beautiful moment for Jaehyun more than he already had.

  
  


\---

The addition of Johnny to 127 was hard, harder than it was to add Doyoung (although they had practically been added at the same time). He knew Doyoung, he liked Doyoung, but Johnny? Johnny was closer to most of the members than he was to him and where as before, he felt in the loop even though all of his hyungs felt like adults compared to him, he felt like he was outside of the loop with Johnny being added. He found himself dreading seeing Johnny around the dorm because he knew he’d feel left out of whatever joke or whatever story Johnny told them. It didn’t help that Jaehyun and Mark seemed to love the guy and would speak in english whenever all three of them were in the same vicinity.

Johnny didn’t seem like a bad guy, on the contrary, he seemed like a great guy, but it just always felt like the rest of guys paid more attention to Johnny then they did to him and at times it was hard to swallow the knot in his throat when Jaehyun or Mark would choose Johnny over him. He knew he should feel happy to see a new member welcomed so warmly, but in a few words, he wasn’t. 

He knew he was overreacting, Johnny had waited more than he had to debut, he was supposed to debut in the China unit but when the plug had been pulled, Johnny had been sent back to the practice room indefinitely and he only knew that bit of information because Johnny and Mark had always been close. He should be happy for Johnny, Johnny finally got to debut, but he couldn’t help, but feel anger. 

He chose to distance himself and inturn spent more time with Dream, it was easier that way. He didn’t feel ignored or like a child in Dream and it was nice to not feel excluded for once.

“Hey, you haven’t been around much, are you okay?” Jaehyun grabbed his arm as he was about to walk out of the 127 dorm, Jaehyun gently pulled him out into the hallway and he felt oddly naked under Jaehyun’s inquisiting eye. 

“I’m great, hyung,” he lied and Jaehyun seemed to easily catch on, although the older didn’t openly expose him.

“Are you sure? You’ve been awfully quiet, I miss your laugh,” Jaehyun responded and he felt the usual butterflies in his stomach he had learned to associate with Jaehyun compliments and he hated himself for it.

“I’m fine, I’ve just been a bit under the weather,” he lied once again and Jaehyun furrowed his eyebrows in concern.

“Are you sure you’re okay, you were really sick during the limitless filming. You should go to the doctor if you don’t feel good,” Jaehyun said and he internally cursed himself. Now Jaehyun would be on his ass anytime he said he didn’t feel good and felt like an idiot for not coming up with a better excuse.

“I’m fine hyung,” he tried to assure the older, but Jaehyun didn’t exactly look convinced.

“Hangout with us tonight then” Jaehyun asked, his dimples on full display and he had to stop himself from blushing. Jaehyun couldn't know his smile affected him.

“I already told Dream I was hanging out with them,” he said as an excuse even though he had in fact told them ten minutes ago that he was going to head to their dorm. They wouldn’t really be mad that he had a change of plans, but that would pretend they were.

“Well tell them you’re busy. You haven’t hung out with us in weeks,” Jaehyun exaggerated a bit. 

“We're literally always together,” he tried to reason.

“True, but that’s work, it's not the same,” Jaehyun said and he tried to come up with an excuse and while he was distracted Jaehyun snatched his phone. 

“Hyung give that back!” He whined and Jaehyun laughed at him.

“No can do little guy, you’re hanging out with me, like it or not,” Jaehyun said, as he typed something on his phone. His heart fluttered at the prospect of hanging out with Jaehyun, he knew it wouldn’t just be Jaehyun, Jaehyun wanted him to hangout with 127, but his heart didn’t care.

When Jaehyun was done typing he turned his phone around, he scanned over the most recent text to make sure they hadn’t said anything embarrassing before looking down at the text Jaehyun sent in the dream group chat.

_Donghyuck to Dreamies_

_I can’t make it tonight guys, sorry_

He debated hitting Jaehyun in the shoulder, but then decided against it, Jaehyun would just laugh and tease him. Jaehyun kept the phone and put it in his own pocket and Donghyuck resisted the urge to search in Jaehyun's pocket, that could be potentially awkward.

“Come on, lets go,” Jaehyun said, grabbing his arm again and this time pulling him into the dorm and he was met with the guy setting up in the living room, only Taeil had been sitting on the couch when he walked outside.

“Haechan, you came!” Sicheng said and it made him feel happy at least. Sicheng wasn’t close to Johnny, well Sicheng wasn’t really close to any of them if he was being honest, but Sicheng was probably even less friendly with Johnny then he was. Sicheng wasn’t really ever out of the loop though, the guys always tried to make him feel included and he had always found it sweet.

“Yeah,” he said, slightly freezing by the door and Jaehyun put his hand on his lower back and gave him a light push and they walked toward the coach, the only spaces available were next to Johnny and Jaehyun took the initiative to sit down next to Johnny and he took the end seat next to Jaehyun.

“What are we watching?” He asked Jaehyun quietly.

“Finding Dory,” Johnny responded before Jaehyun could and he resisted the urge to feel irritated. He wasn’t talking to Johnny, so why must Johnny always insert himself into the conversation? 

He sunk into the seat and he remained quiet for the rest of the night. Johnny made comments throughout the movie and he tried to laugh at them, but he didn’t find anything that came out of Johnny's mouth to be funny and he knew his laugh sounded fake, Taeil even threw him a few questioning looks that he ignored.

“Hey, let's talk,” Jaehyun said after the movie was over and most of the members had already left to go to their rooms, Jaehyun still had his phone and he was waiting around awkwardly for Jaehyun to be done talking to Johnny to get it back.

“I’m tired, hyung, can I just get my phone back?” He asked and Jaehyun shook his head.

“Come to the store with me and then I'll give it back,” Jaehyun said and Johnny just looked at the two of them before telling them to have fun.

“Come with us Johnny,” Jaehyun said and he wanted to yell at Jaehyun, he hadn’t even agreed to go with Jaehyun and Jaehyun was inviting Johnny to go with them. Johnny at least had the decency to look hesitant. “You’ve been saying you need snacks, I’ll buy some for you.”

“Okay,” Johnny replied, still looking apprehensive.

“Come on Haechan, you haven’t had the chance to hangout with Johnny, yet. It’ll be fun,” Jaehyun said. Going to the store wasn’t fun, he didn’t know what Jaehyun was even talking about, maybe with just Jaehyun it would have been, but he didn’t want to hangout with Johnny and he couldn’t imagine a scenario where he didn’t feel like a third wheel whenever Johnny was added to the scenario.

\---

“Hyung do you want to room with me?” He asked Johnny, he was standing in the doorway of Johnny's room and he felt a bit awkward asking the older. They were close now, but remembering the way he had treated Johnny before made him feel guilty.

Months had passed since he had initially spoken with Jaehyun about changing roommates, then they weren’t going to change dorms anytime soon, now the move was happening in a month and he still wasn’t sure who he was rooming with. Nobody had really outwardly said who they wanted to room with beside Taeyong being granted his own room now, which didn’t really count.

“I thought you and Jaehyun didn’t want to switch,” Johnny questioned, although it had been months since they had even said and a lot had happened in between then and now.

“We said that at first, but Jaehyun told me he thought it was a good idea to get closer to other members.” He scratched the back of his head.

“Not because of what happened?” Johnny had always been perspective and it was one of Johnny traits that he used to hate, but had now come to love.

“He and I decided to switch before that happened, but we never really said with who and besides we both said we weren’t going to talk about it, so I didn’t ask,” he replied.

“Have you guys at least talked about it?” Johnny motioned for him to sit on his bed too and followed.

“A bit, the day after. He said it didn’t mean anything.”

“And for you?” Johnny questioned.

“It doesn’t really matter how I feel about it, we can’t let whatever is going on between us ruin the group,” he replied and let out a deep sigh. He wanted to say so many things and at the same time, nothing at all. “So do you want to room together or should I ask Jungwoo.”

“It's just a bit surprising,” Johnny confessed.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“I mean, we’re close now, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if you still dislike me,”Johnny said and he blinked in response. Did Johnny really think he didn’t like him?

“I like you hyung,” he responded and Johnny gave him a smile.

“Okay, let's be roommates then,” Johnny said.

\---

“Hyung,” he called to Jaehyun. They often had late night talks and they became more frequent after they started sharing rooms.

“Yeah?” Jaehyun questioned, voice laced with exhaustion.

“Do you have a dream?” he asked. Jaehyun didn’t reply immediately and it was too dark to tell if Jaehyun was still awake.

“For a long time, I thought my dream was just to become an idol, now I’m an idol and I don’t know if I’m happy,” Jaehyun replied, exhaustion still clear in his tone, but it was different now. Years of having to conform to company standards left anyone tired and to know they still had the majority of their contract ahead of them was daunting to everyone.

“What do you mean?” He asked, although he had an inkling, the experience as an idol was quite uniform across the same company, and really the industry, a big company only guaranteed exposure, not better treatment.

“I’m doing something I love, I love to sing and dance, I love to perform but sometimes I wonder if that's enough.”

It was a feeling that he himself was familiar with, he was in two active groups, he performed all the time, but sometimes it felt like their efforts were going to waste just because SM picked an unorthodox way to market them. He was happy all of his male friends had gotten to debut, but sometimes it feels like it came with the price of being unpopular.

“What would you like to do then?” he asked Jaehyun.

“It might sound stupid, but I want to live a normal life sometimes, fall in love, grow old peacefully,” Jaehyun said, his voice low, but loud enough for Donghyuck to hear him.

“You’ve been in love though, you dated Joy when we were trainees,” he offered.

“I wasn’t… in love, I guess. I liked her, she was nice, but I wasn’t in love or anything,” Jaehyun said.

“Oh, I just thought… you guys dated for a while and have been friends for a long time too.” He had always wondered why they hadn’t lasted, especially when they had both seemed so happy, sure Joy debuted and Jaehyun hadn’t, but even then he thought they would be together against all odds but they hadn’t.

“Yeah, but we both said we weren’t compatible. We don’t have hard feelings for eachother, she didn’t love me either, at least I don’t think so,” Jaehyun said, which made him wonder what kind of person Jaehyun would actually fall in love with. “Have you ever been in love?”

“I don’t know,” he responded truthfully, because he didn’t _know_ if he was in love. He had liked Jaehyun for years and how was he supposed to know if those feelings had morphed into something else? 

“You don’t?” Jaehyun questioned and he thanked whatever higher being there was out there that it was dark so Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to see the blush resting on his cheeks.

“It's just…” He didn’t know if it was a good idea to tell Jaehyun about his feelings, even if he didn’t tell them who they were for. “I’ve liked someone for a long time and I’ve never really given much thought to my feelings, I don’t know if it’s love and I don’t think it really matters.”

“Do you want to talk about them?” Jaehyun asked. It was dangerous to talk about his feelings, to tell the person he liked about them without giving too much away. It was dangerous, but he figured a vague description could fit any of the older members, even though the idea of Jaehyun thinking he liked someone else was hard to swallow.

“He’s nice, he’s very kind and he’s always taken care of me. For a while I just told myself it was puppy love, that I only liked him because he paid attention to me and it made me feel special. But the more I’ve thought about it, I’ve realized that my feelings aren’t particularly shallow. He makes me happy even now, he’s been a shoulder for me to lean on for years. And It just kind of sucks because I’m pretty sure that he still sees me as a kid and even if he didn’t, there’s a lot of things I don’t know. I don’t even know if he likes guys and even if he did, well, we’re idols and its hard enough to date in a heterosexual relationship.” 

“You should tell him,” Jaehyun responded. “At least that way you’ll know how they feel.”

“Would you? If you were in my place?” He asked and he wondered what he would do if Jaehyun told him that he would.

“It sounds like you really like him, so I would, if I was you,” Jaehyun said and it sounded genuine. It sounded like Jaehyun.

“Have you ever had feelings for a boy, hyung?” he asked, testing the waters before he decided if he should confess.

“No, I’m straight,” Jaehyun said and it was enough of an answer to knock all hope out of him, enough of an answer to feel like a rejection.

\---

“Watch a movie with me?” Jaehyun asked. It was weird, he was always the one that asked Jaehyun to watch something with him and not the other way around.

“Not tonight hyung, I’m actually really tired,” he responded, thinking about how he had spent the day practicing for both Dream and 127 activities and he felt a dull pain in his entire body that was kind of concerning but he didn’t really want to think about it too much.

“You always say that, but you still go to sleep at four in the morning,” Jaehyun said. Jaehyun did have a point, he was planning on laying on his side and watching youtube videos tonight, which was in fact different from his regular routine. On a regular day he would game until five in the morning at least.

“Okay, but only if we watch it in your bed,” he said, not really feeling like watching a movie in the living room, he wouldn’t be able to pay attention with the members walking in and out and it would feel like a waste of time.

“Why not your bed?” Jaehyun asked.

“Hyung don’t act like you won’t fall asleep half way through, it's easier if you’re already in your own bed.”

“You have a point,” Jaehyun said. “Do you want popcorn?”

“You should order chicken,” he said cutely, he knew Jaehyun liked his aegyo even though Jaehyun said he didn’t.

“You know I don’t like eating on my bed,” Jaehyun tried to protest even though Jaehyun wasn’t fooling either of them, he had seen Jaehyun eat on his own bed.

“Baby, you know that’s a lie,” he replied. They had recently started calling each other baby and it never failed to make his heart flutter even if he was the one saying it. It had slipped out of Jaehyun's mouth one day and instead of acknowledging the error, they both went along with it, he knew it probably was a joke to Jaehyun, but it didn’t stop him from holding onto the sentiment.

“Okay, but only for my baby,” Jaehyun said and he felt a blush crawl up on his cheeks.

Jaehyun picked a movie in english and normally he wouldn’t mind, but his eyes had already been tired and halfway through he could no longer read the subtitles and he didn’t know enough english to be able to just listen and his eyelids grew too heavy to open them.

“Are you asleep Hyuck?”Jaehyun whispered. He jolted a bit at the sound, knowing he had probably been half asleep.

“No, I’m just tired,” he replied, keeping his eyes closed. Jaehyun let out a hum and he heard Jaehyun move around on his bed before closing the computer they were watching the movie on.

“You can keep watching if you want,” he told Jaehyun, sitting up so that Jaehyun knew he was ready to be more attentive. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Come here, let's cuddle instead,” Jaehyun said. He was a bit hesitant. He and Jaehyun rarely cuddled, and even when they did Donghyuck initiated it and even then it didn’t happen often. He liked platonic cuddling but it didn’t feel platonic with Jaehyun and he only did it when he was feeling particularly self-destructive (and delusional).It was weird for Jaehyun to ask for them to be close. 

But nonetheless Jaehyun looked at him expectantly and he followed Jaehyun’s actions and he laid back down next to the older. Jaehyun was laying flat on his back and he hesitated to touch Jaehyun, it felt too intimate and today he wasn’t feeling particularly self destructive. He was more self conscious than anything. 

“Baby, come here,” Jaehyun said after he deemed that Donghyuck had taken too much time to actually get to the cuddling part.

He scooted closer to Jaehyun and laid his cheek on Jaehyun’s shoulder hesitantly, but Jaehyun didn’t hesitate and as soon as their bodies touched, Jaehyun pulled him close until his body was flush against Jaehyun’s side. Jaehyun gently grabbed his quad and placed Donghyuck’s leg over himself.

“You’ve been very quiet lately,” Jaehyun said once they had gotten comfortable and they stopped moving. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” he replied although he was anything but fine. How do you tell your crush you’ve been acting weird because they crushed all hope of them ever reciprocating your feelings?

“If something is bothering you, you know you can tell me, right?” Jaehyun said, but he knew he couldn’t, at least not about this.

\---

Emotions are a weird thing, sometimes he became so overwhelmed by them that he can’t even function, or he was so happy about something that nothing ever matters in the world besides what he was happy about.

Happiness for him often came in the form of Jaehyun to him and so did his overwhelming emotions.

Jaehyun and he rarely shared a room when they were traveling abroad, they shared a room enough as it was and to share overseas was a bit of overkill, even if they were good friends and Jaehyun was Donghyuck’s favorite person to be around.

Jaehyun was a bold guy, Jaehyun had always been very forward about his feelings and sometimes he deemed it to be a good thing, but now he wasn’t exactly sure. 

Jaehyun had been very touchy since he came back from his injury, not as much on camera as he was off camera. It was starting to make Donghyuck feel weird, Jaehyun wasn’t touchy with him before and it was outside of the norm for Jaehyun to pull him into hugs and slap his butt if they weren’t on camera to begin with.

All of the 127 members praised and babied him, after all he was the youngest and as much as they all acted like they found him annoying, he knew deep down that they didn’t. What wasn’t normal was for Jaehyun to go out of his way to baby him. Even since he got back whenever Jaehyun went out without him, Jaehyun made sure to buy him something. He wouldn’t have thought much of it, if Jaehyun had also bought Mark or any of the other members that weren’t with Jaehyun something, but he didn’t. 

He wasn’t sure what had sparked Jaehyun's sudden gift buying, Jaehyun had always been a generous guy that didn’t mind using his black card to indulge the members, but this was different. It would make his heart beat loudly in his chest whenever he saw Jaehyun approach him with a hand behind his back and a dimpled smile on his face. But as easily as his heart sped up, his heart also sunk whenever Jaehyun would later comment about something he had texted his girlfriend.

Jaehyun was confusing, even without emotions involved and it was hard to get a grasp of what Jaehyun’s intentions were with his actions. Like now, as Jaehyun stared at him as he came out of the bathroom, fresh out a shower and Jaehyun’s eyes looked him over, but he tried not to think about it too much. 

“Come sit with me,” Jaehyun said, a bit monotonous . There was always something different about Jaehyun on the rare chance they shared a room outside the dorm. He didn’t know if it was because they were used to seeing each other more often than the rest of the members and the distance made Jaehyun more touchy or what exactly made Jaehyun seem so different, but the contrast was clearly there.

Jaehyun was sitting at the table by their hotel room window. The curtains were now closed, one too many run in with ‘fans’ had taught them not to stand too close to windows, it was a bit of a shame, he had peeked out the window earlier and they had a nice view of the skyline. He approached the table and made a move to sit in the chair across from Jaehyun’s, but Jaehyun shook his head and patted his lap. “Here.”

He was hesitant, he had sat in most of the hyung’s laps and it wasn’t uncommon for him and Jaehyun to touch, but never like this. He didn’t make a habit of sitting in Jaehyun’s lap, not when he would be self conscious of his and Jaehyun's every movement to the point that he wouldn’t be able to pay attention to anything else.

He approached Jaehyun slowly and as soon as he was close enough Jaehyun pulled his arm and he practically fell onto one of Jaehyun’s legs and Jaehyun practically whispered into his ear, “Face me.”

Although hesitantly he repositioned himself so he was facing Jaehyun and he was essentially straddling Jaehyun. The older pulled him closer by the waist and they were so close, so close that it almost made him feel insecure. Jaehyun could see all his imperfections and he felt the urge to bury his head in Jaehyun’s shoulder so he could hide.

“Have I been treating you well?” Jaehyun asked, an arm outstretched, hand carding through his hair, his hair was blown out and a bit rough, but Jaehyun didn’t seem to mind.

The question was weird, a question that if maybe Doyoung or Yuta or frankly anybody else had asked, wouldn’t have felt so intimate, but with Jaehyun everything had always been different.

“You have,” he replied thinking of the latest present Jaehyun had got him.

“Then why are you always running away from me?” Jaehyun asked, causing him to flinch slightly at the accusation. He hadn’t meant for his intentions to be so obvious, he wasn’t hiding from Jaehyun persay, but he was trying his hardest to limit his interactions with him. Jaehyun would mention his girlfriend casually in conversation and it never failed to sour his mood. He knew it wasn’t mature, Mark had already scolded him about it for months, but he didn’t know a different way to protect his heart from heartbreak.

“I’m not running away,” he replied weakly.

“I told you I wanted to go to the garden with you, why did you pick Mark?” Jaehyun asked, tucking one of his strands behind his ear, before letting his hand fall down to the back of his neck and it sent a shiver down his spine. 

“I didn’t pick him,” he replied. Dallas felt like a distant memory, but it had only been a few cities ago. It was a weak excuse, the company had suggested he go with Mark, but it had only been a suggestion.

“I miss you,” Jaehyun said, ignoring his poor excuse. Jaehyun's other hand came up to his waist and the tip of Jaehyun’s index finger brushed his skin and he tried and failed to not tremble at the touch.

“I miss you too, hyung,” he said and the smile Jaehyun gave made his heartache.

“Then why are you running away from me baby?” Jaehyun whispered, the older’s breath fanning out on his face, he couldn’t help the shiver that ran down his spine. Jaehyun was looking at his lips and it made him want to lean in, but Jaehyun beat him to it. “Baby can I kiss you?”

He didn’t even hesitate before nodding his head and letting out a hum in affirmation. 

They met halfway and he wrapped his arms around Jaehyuns neck and Jaehyun kept his hand on his waist. He felt like he was on fire, years of crushing on Jaehyun left him sloppy and impatient, their teeth clashed and the sudden impact hurt but he ignored the pain in favor of kissing Jaehyun. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to kiss the older again and he wanted to make the most of the kiss.

Jaehyun slipped his tongue in his mouth and he couldn’t help, but groan at the feeling. Jaehyun’s hand moved down from his waist to his back and down to grope his ass, he shuttered and threw his head back at the action, breaking the kiss and instead Jaehyun ran his tongue down his neck and began to suck on his nape. 

In the morning a hickey would form on his neck, but right now all he could do was think about the sensation. All he could do was think about what any of this meant and that was when he felt his world crashing down and he realized his error.

Jaehyun has a _girlfriend_ . Jaehyun is _straight._ Jaehyun doesn’t _want_ him, at least not in the same way he wanted Jaehyun.

It wasn’t a mistake, Jaehyun initiated the whole thing with a clear intention and he reciprocated. He couldn’t call it a mistake when they were both well aware of what they were doing, but it felt like it.

“We should stop,” he whispered, his voice a bit hoarse, he didn’t know if it was because of the constant use of his voice because of the tour or if it was the sudden urge he had to cry. Jaehyun’s hand was still on his ass and it took everything in him not to wiggle out of Jaehyun's hold and cave into himself and cry.

“Did you not like it?” Jaehyun asked with his eyebrows furrowed. He wanted to laugh, the irony of the situation made him feel bitter. How many times had he dreamt of Jaehyun showing any remote interest towards, how many times had he dreamt of kissing Jaehyun, even platonically. He had liked it and that was the problem. 

He shook his head and Jaehyun questioned,“What’s wrong then?”

He used Jaehyun’s confusion to get off of his lap and instead sit in the chair across from Jaehyun’s. It was better if they weren’t touching, their heads wouldn’t be as clouded and he wouldn’t feel as guilty and disgusting as he did while still sitting in Jaehyun's lap.

“Hyung that shouldn’t have happened, you have a girlfriend,” he reminded and Jaehyun frowned.

“Oh, right,” Jaehyun said as though he had just remembered and it felt like a blow, like Jaehyun didn’t respect his girlfriend, someone he was supposed to at least _like_ and yet he didn’t know what to make of this whole situation. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s not that, it's just not right,” he said. They both fell silent and he looked at the table, avoiding Jaehyun’s gaze because he knew if he looked he knew he would melt in the absolute worst way possible, he’d cry and Jaehyun didn’t deserve to be cried over.

“I’m going to sleep in Mark’s room, I think we both need to clear our heads,” he said after what felt like hours, he felt exhausted and restless at the same time, he was drowning in his emotions and Jaehyun seemed to be largely unbothered by the whole thing, but he wasn’t exactly sure what he had expected from Jaehyun right now.

“You don’t have to go,” Jaehyun said. “It's your room too.”

“I don’t know if I can sleep here tonight, hyung, please understand,” he said and he didn’t wait for Jaehyun’s response, instead grabbing his phone and heading out the room, not looking back.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, he felt himself crack, no longer able to control his emotions and his tears began to fall. He felt engulfed in dejection by something he had once thought he was delusional to even hoped for. He had hoped of being able to kiss Jaehyun, he had hoped for Jaehyun to have feelings for him and instead of the fairytale ending where they loved each other, all he got was regret. 

The walk to Mark’s room wasn’t long but it felt like it. His legs felt weak and the need to hug Mark increased with every step he took, but so did the urge to turn back around and lay down in his bed and ignore his problems. Jaehyun wouldn’t dare say anything about his tears if he knew the exact reason why they were there in first place and he wouldn’t have to talk about what happened if he didn’t tell anyone, he could pretend nothing happened and it didn’t exactly feel like a bad idea.

But going back to his hotel room also meant that he would have to knock on the door, having forgotten the key card and that would also mean having to face his problems and even though he knew Jaehyun wouldn’t say anything, he knew he wasn’t ready to look at Jaehyun. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing Jaehyun was six feet away from him, he probably wouldn’t catch much sleep anyways but he didn’t want to sabotage himself by sleeping in the same room as the older.

So instead he knocked on the door softly and hoped Mark was up, because It’d be awkward to have to ask one of the managers for a place to sleep.

“Hyuck what’s wrong why are you crying?” Mark said as soon as he opened the door, but Mark didn’t wait for an answer to pull him into a hug. He felt himself break in Mark’s embrace and he sobbed a bit into the nook of Mark’s neck and the older rubbed circles into his back until he relaxed.

He pulled away when he was no longer sobbing and Mark took a second to wipe some of his new tears away. Mark offered for him to come in and he only hoped nobody had seen them hugging in the entryway, it could be potentially scandalizing, but what was done was done. 

Mark led him to his bed and as more of the room came into view, he then realized Johnny was in the room too, it had slipped his mind that Mark obviously would have had a roommate, but it wasn’t like he could turn back now, he had already showed up at their doorsteps and he felt like an inconvenience when he noticed Johnny's concerned face. 

“Haechan, honey don’t cry,” Johnny said and for some reason it made him feel worse.

It took him a while to calm down, it wasn’t all just about the kiss, he was in love with Jaehyun, he had been for years. He had tried to keep it bottled up for the sake of the team, he didn’t want to make things awkward between the two of them and now ultimately that was what would happen.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asked, his eyes averting slightly to look at Johnny.

“I can leave if you don’t feel comfortable with me being here,” Johnny said, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and he shook his head. He’s sure Jaehyun would tell Johnny later, it didn’t matter if he heard it from him first. 

“Promise you won’t get mad,” he asked Mark and Mark scrunched up his face in irritation, but he knew it wasn’t exactly directed at him. 

“I get the feeling I’m going to be mad anyways,” Mark said, but let out a sigh when he took a look at Donghyuck’s face. “I can promise I won’t do anything rash, but you better than anyone know you can’t control your own emotions.”

It felt like a low blow, although he knew Mark hadn’t meant for it to sting and if he wasn’t emotional he wouldn’t have even been affected by it. Mark's statement was true, he had tried hard to not like Jaehyun, he and Mark had even had a fling in their earlier teenage years and yet he always had feelings for Jaehyun, even when he and Mark had liked each other.

“Jaehyun and I kissed,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t continue, not really know what to say beyond that, what was there to say? That he was an idiot? That he had been delusional?

“Do you want to talk about it?” Johnny said when Mark didn’t and he wanted to shake his head and say he didn’t want to talk about it, because he didn’t, but he also did. He wouldn’t have come to see Mark if he didn't want to vent, so instead of giving into the urge to suppress his emotions, he let them out.

“I’m in love with him and I think he knows, which is the hard part,” he confessed, he heard what sounded like Johnny taking a sharp breath and how he would love to know what Johnny knew. He would love to know what Jaehyun had told Johnny about him, _if_ Jaehyun had told Johnny about him.

“Hyuck, you know he’s straight,” Mark said and it was such a Mark thing to say. Of course he knew Jaehyun was straight, Jaehyun had had three girlfriends in the time he had known him, who knows how many before, Jaehyun himself had said he was straight, everything point towards Jaehyun being straight, but Jaehyun had kissed him, had asked to kiss him.

“Well he wasn’t very straight when he stuck his tongue down my throat,” he said bitterly and this time he knew for a fact it was Johnny who gasped.

“That wasn’t what I meant and you know it,” Mark replied calmly. Mark let out a sigh and he took the opportunity to lay down on Mark’s bed. The North American tour was practically over; they only had two more cities. But the tour was far from over, he didn’t know how he was going to face Jaehyun tomorrow or any day really, without the sudden urge to cry.

“I don’t know if you want my opinion, but I’m here, so unless you stop me, I’m going to give it to you,” Johnny paused, but he didn’t look at Johnny, he continued to stare at the ceiling and didn’t say anything, he didn’t exactly want Johnny’s opinion, but Johnny did know Jaehyun better any of them and well it was a better option them Mark’s unhelpful ass. “I can’t speak for Jaehyun, but if he kissed you and he knows you like him, that's fucked up of him. It doesn’t matter if he’s my best friend, I’ll beat him up for you.

“That being said, you should talk to him, when you feel better, it won’t be good for either of you if you just leave this up in the air. You deserve closure and to not be treated as some side chick. I think you should tell him your feelings so at least you're on the same page and he doesn’t try anything like that again if he’s just intending to play with your emotions.”

“You know him better than anyone, hyung. Does he like me?” He asked Johnny. It was naive of him to be hopeful, but he needed to know.

“I don’t know, he talks about you alot, I know he cares about you but he’s never said anything about liking you. He's never mentioned a guy, he always talked about girls he thinks are pretty,” Johnny said apologetically and although he wanted to be mad at Johnny for not knowing, he knew it wasn’t Johnny's fault.

\---

The moment he realized he was in love with Jung Jaehyun wasn’t anything special.

He had come back after his hiatus due to his leg injury, he had told the guys in the group chat that he was coming back soon, but never explicitly when, even with Jaemin’s constant nagging about his lack of transparency. The truth was he didn’t want to promise anything when nothing was ever exactly stable about a broken leg. 

He hadn’t been cleared, but his brace had been taken off so he figured it would be okay to participate in activities again. He had decided to show up when the guys were practicing the choreography for the Wakey Wakey music video, he had been told he could participate from the filming if he didn’t dance, or walk, so he had been excited to come even if filming didn’t start until a few days.

Not wanting to disrupt them, he waited until the guys were taking a break before walking in. And at first they didn’t notice him, probably too exhausted to care about some random person coming into the practice room, that was until Mark’s eye caught on his figure and Mark immediately stood up and ran to him, leaving Yuta confused on the ground.

“Donghyuckkk!!!” Mark yelled as he ran towards him, it looked like Mark wanted to hug him, yet slowed down when he saw the crutches. “Why didn’t you say you were coming back?”

Mark did hit him despite the crutches and the rest of the members slowly gathered around him, most of their eyes downcasted towards his crutches and he squirmed uncomfortably.

“Stop Mark, you’re gonna break my arm,” he said after Mark hit his shoulder a few times and he almost staggered backwards after a particularly hard hit.

“Don’t ever joke like that, it’s not funny!” Mark said, tone extremely serious and he laughed.

“I won’t if it makes you happy,” he replied to Mark and Mark pulled him into a hug and soon enough the rest of 127 was hugging him too.

“You said you’d come back when you didn’t need the crutches anymore,” Mark said when they all separated.

“I don’t necessarily need them, I can walk without them, but my doctor said not to put weight on my foot until he tells me to, so I have to use them till then,” He said.

“Don’t walk without them then, we don’t want you getting injured. We just got you back, we don’t want you gone again,” Jaehyun said and the simple statement made his heart flutter.

“Yeah now's not the time to skip listening to your doctor,” Taeyong warned, but he wasn’t paying attention to Taeyong anymore. He was holding Jaehyun's gaze and as Jaehyun gave him a smile, a genuine smile, he realized his heart never stood a chance.

\---

"Donghyuck I'm sorry about las-"

"I love you, hyung," he said, cutting the older off. Jaehyuns face froze and Jaehyun didn't move for a beat until his eyebrows furrowed.

"What?" Jaehyun stuttered out, and Jaehyun's confused expression would have been cute if he didn’t know the reason behind it.

"I love you," he repeated, he no longer felt nervous, he knew Jaehyun was going to reject him, he had come to the conclusion as Mark held him the night before and there was no point in hoping. "I wanted you to know before you say whatever you were going to say next. My heart is fragile and I want you to pick your words carefully."

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun said again, sincerity was there but it didn’t feel enough anymore.

"For which part?” He asked, it was difficult to know for what exactly Jaehyun felt sorry for, if he did at all, if he only felt sorry because Donghyuck had been hurt and not because he realized what he did wrong.

"I don't know, all of it I guess. I shouldn’t have led you on,” Jaehyun said, with concern evident in his face, but Jaehyun wouldn’t easily fool him, not anymore.

“Is that what it was? You leading me on?” It was bait, bait he knew Jaehyun wouldn’t take, but clarification he needed before allowing himself to stop hoping and move on.

“I… I don’t know what you want me to tell you Haechan. I don’t want to hurt you.” _Haechan._ It was a way for Jaehyun to distance himself from him, for Jaehyun to not feel as bad when he did inevitably hurt him.

“I just want the truth,” he said. He knew he wouldn’t get the truth, Jaehyun would never admit to what last night had truly meant. He didn’t kid himself to think it was love, but he knew it was lust and Jaehyun would never admit it, at least not now, when Jaehyun was scared of what the truth held.

“I’m straight,”Jaehyun stated, firmly holding onto the declaration. He now knew it wasn’t the truth, there was no way it could be the truth, a straight man didn’t kiss their friends, didn’t grab their ass, didn’t think of their friends lovingly while they were apart. But nonetheless it was Jaehyuns truth and it didn’t matter if Jaehyun was telling himself the truth.

\---

"Jaehyun thinks I like Doyoung," he told Mark as they were watching youtube videos together. 

"He does?" Mark took his eyes off the screen and looked at him and he nodded his head.

"Yeah, apparently he thinks sitting in someone's lap means you like them,” he tried to say nonchalantly although he knew Mark would see right through him.

“I guess he speaks from experience,” Mark said, he felt his ears start to get warm and he smacked Mark.

“I hate you sometimes,” he said, not really meaning it.

“You love me,” Mark said pointedly. “You know he’s my friend, but sometimes I want to punch him. He doesn’t have a right to even ask you if you like someone.”

“I know,” he said and let out a sigh. “He’s confusing. He told me he was straight and then he kissed me and then rejected me and now he's asking about Doyoung. I don’t want to fight with him, but I’m tired.”

“I could talk to him, tell him to back off,” Mark offered and he shook his head.

“What's the point? We’re in the same group. I don’t want there to be more tensions between us then there already is. I also don’t want Taeyong to know, it’ll make me feel worse than I already do,” he replied.

“What are you going to do then?” Mark asked.

“Forget about him,” he replied. “I’ve spent so many years pining after him, I think it's time I give up.”

\---

He and Mark fooled around, but it wasn’t anything new. It didn’t happen often, but they occasionally needed additional stress relief and they had agreed it would be easier to keep it within the group than to get other people involved, other people that could easily sell their secrets for a quick buck.

In the past they had a sort of relationship, they weren’t exactly boyfriends, they could never be while they were idols, but they were something more than friends with benefits, something rooted mostly from sexual attraction and their close proximity. It had ended disastrously, hence their infamous fight. They made up eventually and when they had both gotten over their feelings for eachother, they began to fool around again.

It worked for them, they had liked each other in a shallow sort of way and even then Mark had known he liked Jaehyun more than he could ever like Mark and Mark had gotten over his crush and they now worked because they didn’t like each romantically.

In the end the only person that had known about the real reason behind their fight was Jaehyun, which was also when Jaehyun had also found out he was gay. He had never kept it a secret, but he never voiced it either. He didn’t talk about the people he liked or found attractive when the guys would like to gossip. He kept his mouth shut and when asked, would say he didn’t like anyone, the members would tease him but it was better than admitting who he did like.

He’d like to say his relationship with Mark was a well kept secret, but all of Dream knew, they used to tease them endlessly when he and Mark were together, although he and Mark had never specifically said they were and now they would catcall whenever he mentioned Mark. He knew 127 knew as well, they just turned a blind eye to what was in front of them. They avoided them like the plague whenever he and Mark roomed together and when he and Jaehyun used to share a room, the older would text him before coming into the room if he knew Mark was in there.

That's why he knew Jaehyun had walked in on them on purpose.

They no longer shared a room but Jaehyun had asked about him in the group chat and Johnny had told him he was with Mark, what should have been a clear sign not to go in the room, but nonetheless he did. And instead of walking away at the sight of him, on his knees, half dressed sucking Mark’s dick, he pulled him off of Mark and instead was fuming and yelling at Mark.

“Dude what the fuck? Get out,” Mark said, Mark was clearly mad, but so was Jaehyun. But Jaehyun had no reason to be, Jaehyun had no right to be.

“You get out!” Jaehyun retorted. “I can’t believe you’re fucking him, you don’t even like him, you’re playing with his emotions!”

“Oh like you did? Suddenly you’re mad that I’m enjoying what you think belongs to you. Let me give you a newsflash, he’s not your property, he can fuck whoever he wants!” Mark yelled back.

“I never said he was my property,” Jaehyun said, slightly more calm now.

“Mark please leave,” he said, letting out a deep breath. He really did not need this right now.

“Yeah what he said,” Jaehyun gave Mark a mocking smile.

“Hyuck,” Mark pleaded and only then he realized what it looked like, it looked like he was choosing Jaehyun's side and he wasn’t, he didn’t think he even could when Mark had stood by him even when they hated each other and Jaehyun had only introduced him to a world of hurt.

“I’m not mad, I just need to talk to Jaehyun right now. We’ll talk later, I promise I’m not mad,” he said and Mark gave him a nod of understanding, although he could tell Mark was hesitant. Mark had tucked himself away and had rushed out the room. He had proceeded to cover up with a robe that belonged to Johnny but Johnny never used it, so he had claimed it for his own now.

“How dare you?” He said, anger in his voice.

“He’s taking advantage of you,” Jaehyun said, tone reciprocated, Jaehyun was mad but he had no right and he wasn’t going to be chastised.

“How would you know? You have no idea what Mark and I’s relationship is like,” he said and Jaehyun deflated.

“You’re right,” Jaehyun said, slightly apologetic and he scoffed.

“That's all you have to say? You walk in on me and you don’t even apologize for assuming things?”

“I thought you were in love with me.” Jaehyun sounded pathetic, talking about love when he didn’t reciprocate. 

“What is that supposed to mean? Suddenly the world revolves around you and I can’t enjoy myself with other guys?” He spat out and Jaehyun avoided his gaze.

“That’s not what I meant, I just didn’t think you’d get over me so quick,” Jaehyun said and he knew what Jaehyun was implying and he wasn’t going to let Jaehyun insult him.

“What am I a whore now because I let someone else have me?” He asked.

“I didn’t say that,” Jaehyun tried to defend himself, but he was done believing Jaehyun.

“But you thought it,” he said and Jaehyun stayed quiet. “Look Jaehyun I’m not going to pretend like I even understand how your brain works and quite frankly I don’t care. You don’t know what my relationship with Mark is, but you’ve always known the nature of it, so I’m going to make something clear. I don’t owe you anything, I don’t owe you fidelity because I like you, if you think my world stopped because you rejected me, it didn’t. I love you sure, but I won’t even let you degrade me again, so before you even so much as think of suggesting that I like someone else or walk in on me when you know what me and Mark are doing and pretend to be a hero that you’re not, I need you to think about why you even care. Because I can tell you right now it’s not because I’m your dongsaeng.”

They stared at each other for a while, Jaehyun's eyes were pleading, but he no longer knew for what, nor did he care to know, he was over Jaehyun playing with his emotions. He couldn’t do it anymore.

“I-”

“Don’t say something you don’t mean,” he said. “Get out Yoonoh.”

Jaehyun flinched at the sound of his legal name, he rarely used it, but he needed Jaehyun to feel his own hurt in his own gut before the older told him useless things.

“Okay,” Jaehyun said and turned around to leave and paused by the door before shaking his head and walking out, slamming the door behind him. And only then did he let the tears flow.

\---

“I never taught you the dance,” Jaehyun said.

They were on a break after he had had multiple consecutive comebacks. His birthday had come and gone and it had been the first time since they became friends that he and Jaehyun hadn’t done something together, separate from the other members. Their relationship had been rocky for a while, although Jaehyun was trying to make it better, but he still hadn’t found it in himself to put effort in as well.

“What?” He paused his game and looked at Jaehyun. They were alone in the dorm and although he had found it weird that Jaehyun was on his floor in the first place, he didn’t question it.

“The 7th sense,” Jaehyun said after they looked at each other for a while.

“I know the dance,” he replied, Mark had taught it to him after U had debuted and although he had been sad about not being able to debut at the time, he still had his best friend and he knew there would be other chances for them to debut.

“Humor me,” Jaehyun said.

“Why?” He questioned.

“Humor me and I’ll tell you later,” Jaehyun said and he nodded even though Jaehyun didn’t really deserve it.

Jaehyun rolled the carpet away and slowly went through the movements, more slowly then he truly needed to especially when he had told Jaehyun he already knew the dance. They didn’t talk, only Jaehyun going through the counts could be heard in the otherwise quiet dorm, but it was nice in a way. It had been a while since they had even hung out together and it felt oddly familiar.

“Give me a chance,” Jaehyun said after they had gone through the dance with the music and Jaehyun had no longer found anything to correct. 

He knew what the older was referring to, it really could only be one thing, but that didn’t change the fact that he would rather Jaehyun say it then make a hasty assumption.

“A chance to what?” he replied. They looked at each other, Jaehyun had a look of certainty like he knew what he wanted and Donghyuck hadn’t decided yet if it was a good thing yet.

“I can’t do this anymore, I can’t pretend I don’t feel anything for you when I do, I can’t pretend that it doesn’t bother me when the guys touch you or when you’re touchy with them. And yes I know, it’s not my place to feel anything because you’re your own person and you like affection, platonic affection included. But yet I can’t stand it, I can’t stand to see them touch you when I can’t even look at you without wanting to hold you,” Jaehyun confessed.

It would be touching, if Jaehyun had always been honest with him, but he hadn’t and he wasn’t going to let Jaehyun sweet talk him anymore.

“What’s your point?” he asked, it sounded harsh even to his own ears and Jaehyun visibly flinched, but he needed Jaehyun to ask him directly and not behind a web of carefully crafted words to make him think he has a chance, to make him think that he and Jaehyun want the same thing.

“Give me a chance, Donghyuck,” Jaehyun pleased. “Give me a chance to show you that I care about you as more than a friend, as more than someone that I just make excuses for myself when I act in a way I shouldn’t.

“I’ve never done this before, with a guy or anyone for that matter, so quite frankly I can’t tell you if what I feel for you is the same thing you feel for me, or at least what you used to feel for me, but I can tell you that I like you and I’m not ashamed to admit it anymore, because how can I feel ashamed of such a beautiful feeling and an equally as beautiful person.

“Give us a chance Donghyuck,” Jaehyun’s eyes were sincere and it would be easy to believe the older, really easy and he didn’t know if he did, he didn’t think it even mattered. Because it didn't matter if they had feelings for eachother, they couldnt be together, not here, not now and not in the spotlight of fame. Not in a country that would never accept them for who they were, not in a company that cared more about the money they brought in, then them as people.

It didn't matter if Jaehyun did or didn’t like him back, but what did matter was that Jaehyun wanted to be with him and for now, that would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Feel free to let me know what you think and thank you for reading!
> 
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/poramarte)


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